Have you thought about what you would do if your DNA results were a huge surprise? Did you learn something shocking from your DNA test?
In this post, I’ll discuss about some of the most common surprises that are revealed by DNA testing and how to handle unexpected situations.
Most people who decide to do autosomal DNA tests, like the ones offered by 23andMe and Ancestry DNA, have no idea that they might uncover a family secret or something unexpected about their ancestry. DNA testing technology is very powerful, and it is fairly common for us learn something shocking about our family tree from the process.
Sometimes, the shock from our DNA results come a long time after we take our test. Once we send in our saliva sample, our DNA information has the potential to sit in a database for many years, possibly waiting for the “shock” to arrive in the form of a surprise DNA match, or a technology update that reveals something surprising about our family’s ethnic ancestry.
What are the most common types of surprises people see in DNA results?
Based on the e-mails that I have received over the years from my readers, I can say confidently that the most common unexpected DNA results fall into one of the following categories, in approximately this order:
- Shocking region on an ethnicity estimate
- Discovery of a new half-sibling
- Surprise discovery of new extended family (i.e. half-aunt, uncle, first cousins)
- One parent is not their biological parent (usually the father)
- Discovery that the DNA tester, their parent, or their grandparent did not grow up with their biological family (i.e. adoption was kept secret)
Additionally, it is very common for someone who is searching for biological family to be surprised that they were actually able to locate close relatives through DNA testing. In fact, I have a close cousin who grew up with adoptive parents express to me that she didn’t actually think that DNA testing would help her find her biological family.
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If you are reading this post because you have received shocking DNA results, I post this list to help you understand that you are not alone. There are many others in similar situations who are struggling to decide how to proceed with the new information that they have learned.
Should you tell your family about your DNA results?
If you have learned something surprising, one of the first questions that you might have is whether you should share the information that you have learned with your family.
In my opinion, no one is ever under any obligation to share any of the information that they have learned from their DNA test. Your DNA and your DNA test results are private, and you have every right to keep it that way.
Even so, some people would like to consider sharing what they have learned. I recommend answering the following questions before deciding to proceed with sharing your discovery:
- Do you want to share your results with your family? If you don’t, then you don’t have to. If you do, then move to the next question.
- Will sharing the information damage relationships? If so, you have to weigh the benefit of sharing the information against the potential damage to relationships. Sometimes, it might be worth it. Other times, you may decide that it isn’t.
- Will sharing the information cause material harm? If sharing this information could possibly put someone’s physical, economic, or emotional safety at risk, it should not be shared.
- Is it your “secret” to tell? If the discovery doesn’t directly involve you, but you have been able to unearth a discovery through your DNA testing, it’s best to not get involved. If it is your “surprise”, and you have considered the questions above, then you can feel free to move forward with sharing the information if you wish.
Shocking DNA results can make waves within a family
Fairly recently, I discovered a pretty close DNA match with one of my parents. I’m pretty deep into chromosome mapping on DNA Painter, and have my DNA on all the major testing sites, so I have access to a lot of information that can help me learn how my DNA matches (and those of my parents) are related to me.
It quickly became clear to me from whom this cousin was descended, and their exact relationship to my parent. I sent them a quick message inquiring about whether they would like to share information, etc, and provided the name of the person that I was fairly sure was their grandparent.
As it turns out, this person had been adopted as an infant and had been under the impression that their biological mother was someone else. I was sure my new cousin’s biological mother was the daughter of the grandparent that I named in this message, but this child was not someone the family was (is) aware of.
It’s okay to keep DNA results a secret
After our discussion, it was decided that my new cousin did not want to reveal the identity of their biological mother to anyone, and they asked me to not share the information that we discussed with anyone in our family. My cousin wanted to protect the privacy of their mother who had given them life.
Who can argue with that?
This is a perfect example of a “secret” not being mine to tell. Except in an anonymized form on my blog, of course.
If my new cousin had decided that they would like to pursue a relationship with members of their newly discovered maternal biological family, I would have been supportive of them making this decision.
If we look at it from my cousin’s perspective, it is their “secret” to tell, or not tell, as they desire. My role is to be supportive of my relative’s decision about how to proceed.
Conclusion
I hope that this post has helped you understand the most common reasons that people are surprised by their DNA results, and how to make a decision about whether the shocking DNA results should be shared with other family members or kept private.
If you would like to share your own surprising DNA results, or have a question about something that you read in this post, I would love to hear from you in the discussion below.
Thanks for stopping by!
Suzanne G McClendon
Wednesday 2nd of March 2022
In late 2016, I took the AncestryDNA test, hoping to break through the brick wall built by my 2nd great-grandmother, who had been adopted. There were a few people in my match list that I knew or at least recognized, but there were many, many more that I had no clue who they were. I didn't think too much of it at the time. My husband had recently suffered three strokes (TIAs)and we were still adjusting to our new normal.
Fast forward two years later, and the sister that I grew up with got her AncestryDNA results back. It showed us to be half-sisters. When I first saw that, I told my husband and our oldest daughter who lives with us, but I said nothing to my sister or our other children at the time. I was going to wait until my sister brought it up, which she did about a month later. 5 Dec 2018 will always be known as "Revelation Day" to me. My husband and I assumed that my sister was the one with the different father because she was the youngest. But, she had matches with Daddy's cousins and I did not and I had all these strangers staring back at me, many with the same surname and shared DNA of over 100 cMs.
We had agreed not to say anything to our mother just yet. We wanted to try to get something figured out before we approached her. Apparently only one of us was really in agreement, because about the time we finished talking about it, she told our mother. Mother was not pleased and denied that she was ever with anyone other than our daddy (which we both already knew was a lie just from growing up with her). Accusations of sick, sordid, twisted things were made about a close relative and that he was probably my father. I had a ton of high level matches on his side of the family. I had a nervous breakdown. I planned to end my life. I couldn't deal with these accusations and further rejection from my mother.
Before I followed through with the plan to end my life, my husband had the big one, a true stroke. I couldn't desert him. He needed me. I jerked myself back in gear to take care of him and determined to find out the truth of my paternity. It took me four months to prove that this accused relative was not my biological father.
I started writing to folks, trying to figure out how I was related to these mystery people. Many people never responded but a couple of them did. One was able to tell me who he suspected my 3rd great-grandparents were based on my match to him and our shared matches. The manager of the DNA for one of my matches responded and offered to help me in my search. Together, it took us 8 months, but we narrowed down my biological grandparents. One problem, they had three sons to choose from. The two oldest were in the US Navy when I would have been conceived. The youngest was only about 13 years old and had no reason to be in the area where my mother would have been at the time. So, #3 was ruled out based on his age. #1 was born the same year as my mother and #2 was two years younger than she was.
Using a conception calculator online and the story that I was told that I was born a month early because my mother fell, and her alleged due date with me, I calculated that she was a new bride of about 2 weeks when Sailor Boy visited with her. He'd been 18 all of 6 months and she was a couple of months from turning 21.
I sent a DNA test to the oldest of the brothers, which he took. It showed him to be my uncle. I asked him to ask his brother if he would take the test. He must have gone right then to talk to brother #2 because I got a message that same day saying that he would take the test, too. The rest is history. It came back that brother #2 was my father.
The Uncle is a nice man, very friendly, and I appreciate his help very much. I think it was just too much for my father to handle. He took the test and was done. I had told him in the letter that I wouldn't press him for a relationship, but that I was willing to have one if he was. Apparently he isn't. I haven't heard from him in well over a year.
I have two half-sisters through him, who apparently are not interested either. Neither one has responded to my friend requests on Facebook. I'm not going to pursue it.
I have had three parents. Two created me and one loved me and he died in Dec 2012. Daddy's family still considers me their niece/cousin/family. They told me that no DNA test will ever change that I am a part of them.
Mother died in October 2021 and my bio father still lives (last I heard, anyway). I have missed out on knowing my paternal grandparents and the one great-grandmother who was still alive when my babies were born. The majority of my children never got to know either biological grandfather. They knew my daddy and my husband's stepfather. This upsets one of them very much and there's nothing I can do to ease her pain. We're in this pile of hurt together.
We'll get through it. I do what I can to try to help other people in this situation to find their families.
Heavenly Father says that He will never forsake us. We hold onto that thought and just keep moving forward.
Donald Propp
Sunday 27th of February 2022
At age 71 I found a very surprising DNA result: My "dad," the man I grew up thinking was my father, was not my biological father! My BF was a Masonic Lodge brother and good friend (?) of my dad. Both are long deceased. I didn't believe it until I got my sister's results and they revealed that she was actually my half-sister!
More relevant to this article: I was contacted by a relative whose DNA indicated that she is my first cousin or half-niece. She was adopted and is searching for her biological parents. To be my my first cousin, her mother would have to have been in her 50s when she was born. Extremely unlikely. Instead, it is almost certain that she is my biological half-niece, and that her BF is a very close relative - whom I've never met and who will not respond to my correspondence. As further confirmation, she was told that her father was a doctor - and the person whom I suspect is her father goes by "Dr. " (PhD, not a medical doctor as she'd presumed). He is the only one in my family tree as it exists now, who could be her biological father. I wonder if this is why he chooses not to acknowledge me, so as not to let this skeleton out of the closet.
Should I tell her what I know? It could impact him if she chooses to contact him. On the other hand, I believe she has a right to know who her biological father is - a right that was denied to me my entire life. What do you think?
Suzanne G McClendon
Wednesday 2nd of March 2022
@Donald Propp, I have been through this, too, denied my true identity my entire life. I was 53 years old when I found out that my daddy was not my biological father. Daddy never knew that I wasn't biologically his and raised me as his own. He loved me completely as I did him. He died 6 years before the truth came out.
My mother, of course, denied it all and swore until she died that Daddy was my father. DNA tells a different story than hers. People lie. DNA doesn't. She stopped talking to me shortly after I learned the truth. This went on a couple of years. Then, she called me a week before she died and told me that she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. I then let her know how she'd made me feel my entire life, that I was tired of trying to be good enough for her, and told her to have a nice life.
Apparently some of us are meant for a life of rejection. I think that 70+ years old is maybe too old for some men to find out that they have a firstborn that they were denied knowing. He doesn't communicate with me. It hurts, but I don't hold it against him.
She has every right to know who her father is. Maybe we don't have a right to contact them/disrupt their lives, but we have a right to know who they are. I think that you should tell this girl anything that you think could help her to find her true identity, but also let her know that sometimes more hurt comes along with it. Sometimes our fathers are just not ready to have a new (adult) child in their lives.
Best wishes to you both. I am sorry that you've gone through this, too.
Lynn
Sunday 27th of February 2022
Finding that I was not the biological daughter of my dad, the man who raised me with no help from my mother, along with my 3 older sisters was heartbreaking to me. My dad was so important to me, my world was crushed when he died just after my 22nd birthday as it was him that I depended on and trusted my whole short life (at that point). My sisters considered me their spoiled brat younger sister who always got away with everything or was given more than what they had, they knew I would be lost without him, and I was. To this day, I still have no clue if he knew 100% that I was not his biological daughter, their is rumor that he was suspicious and 95% certain I wasn’t, but still took me from my mother and raised me as his own. My biological father passed 2 years before I learned of this truth. I have no clue as to if he knew I existed but the first cousin from his family who found me, after my 3rd dna test, said she is sure that if he knew about me he would have looked for me because he and his wife were unable to have children. His wife was still alive when I learned of him, I really wanted to meet her but was sworn to secrecy by this first cousin for fear that in her old age she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth and possibly die from the shock. Of course this is not what I wanted do I agreed but I so badly wanted to know her because of the what if’s? I was never close with my own mother, and when I learned of this truth it really made me have harsher thoughts of my relationship with her. This truth had almost come to light 30 years prior and when I heard a rumor that my dad might not have been my biological dad. I insisted it was impossible, I looked like my oldest sister and the two sisters in the middle looked alike. My sister questioned our mother front of me, is dad Lynn’s dad because she’s heard a rumor that he might not be. Well, once again my mother couldn’t tell the truth, her response was “ppffffftttttt, as far as I’m concerned he’s her father.” My sister was furious and asked me for years several times, how are you okay with the way she answered that question, so assume it was denial in my end not wanting but to be true. The only reason I did the dna test is because my sister that questioned my mom, passed away unexpectedly in September 2015. She was working on ancestry trying to locate our fathers family because he was orphaned at a young age in Philadelphia Pennsylvania and didn’t know anything about his ancestors. He knew his mother was Portuguese and that his father was from the UK. Anyway, I inherited her “ancestry flash drive” and wanted to see how far she got with her research so I inserted it into my laptop. What a big mistake that was because she must have picked up a virus and it infected my laptop and I could no longer use it, it was fried.I figured how hard could it be, I will start over from the beginning and take a dna test when I find a sale. This should be simple to do, I’ll get my dna results and be able to find the cousins we never knew and learn about dads estranged siblings and their families, etc…. I really thought I was on my way to finding sone answers , never realizing what a can of worms so would be opening, how difficult this would become. I didn’t start all of this to find a different biological father and I didn’t want to cause turmoil in anyone else’s life either….but I really wish I could have met her. As far as the family I knew to be of my family, I have not had any problem telling them what I learned. If anything I would think that they would admire my dad even more knowing that he was unsure about being my biological father and still loved me and raised me as his own. I know it’s only made me have more respect for him and love him even more than I ever did before (which I didn’t think was possible). I am still searching for dads family, as they are the only family I knew or thought of to be mine for the past 50+ years. I had my oldest sister take a dna test and we had a first cousin take a YDNA test at Family Tree DNA but I am finding that reading his YDNA results are confusing and I’m completely lost on understanding those. My questions is, Was I wrong for not trying to meet the wife of my biological father? I figured if anyone could tell me about him she would be the best person who knew him the most intimately. She would have been like a step mother for me (I mean that in a kind way). She was healthy for a few years until all of a sudden she passed a year ago at the age if 86 (give or take a year or two). Since her passing, the cousins that knew about me told me I don’t have to hide anymore, that my tree’s on the different sites can be open etc…. In a way I think it was unfair of them to ask me to keep quiet, even though I understood the reason why. I’m hoping this made sense and apologize for its length, but just wanted to ask in case some other surprise should happen to come my way that I might be more prepared mentally on how to handle it. Thank you, Lynn
Suzanne G McClendon
Wednesday 2nd of March 2022
@Lynn, I'm sorry that you've had to go through this, too. I also found out through my DNA test and my sister's test (now half-sister) that my daddy was not my biological father.
I do not think that you were wrong for not trying to contact your bonus mother. I think those that made you promise not to contact her were the ones in the wrong. They denied you a potentially wonderful relationship with this woman who was so intimately connected to your father. I do understand their concerns that the shock could have killed her, but, who knows, knowing that they did have a child out there may well have given her reason to live longer. That can never be known at this point. I am so sorry that she passed away and that you were kept from knowing her and your father.
Best wishes to you.