4 Templates for Contacting DNA Matches

Are you thinking about getting in touch with your DNA matches? In this post, I will give you a template for contacting DNA matches that can be used for several different situations.  

Is there someone in particular that you would like to reach out to, but you just don’t know what to say? Contacting your DNA matches is a great way to build new family relationships and learn more about your family history, and as the saying goes, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

If you notice a brand-new match pop up on your DNA list, give them a few (or several) days to review their results and get familiar with how the site works. 

It can be overwhelming for someone who just got their DNA results back to receive messages asking for information, and sometimes, it can discourage people from continuing.  And who knows, they might reach out to you if you give them a chance.

Template for contacting a DNA match if you were adopted / unknown biological parents

If you were adopted and are searching for your biological parents, or if you are looking for an unknown biological parent, making your first contact with a DNA match is a crucial part of your search.  The following is a basic template for making the first contact with a relatively close DNA match. 

When you are adjusting the template to your particular situation, you will want to take the following things into consideration:

• You might have a good idea about your exact relationship, but it’s best not to mention this during your first contact.
• It’s best to be “vaguely specific”, as I like to call it.  Specific enough to offer enough details that you don’t seem secretive, but vague enough to not discourage them from writing you back.

Sometimes when we get really close DNA matches, it is tempting to rush into communicating with them.  What we have to remember is that families are complicated, and we don’t know their exact situation. 

We want to be sensitive to them, too, even if we are really excited to finally learn something we have been wanting to know for a long time.

Below is a basic template for how I would format my first message – short and sweet!

Hi Julie,

I saw that we show up as a close genetic match on Ancestry DNA.  I’m new at family tree research, but I’m interested in learning as much as I can – I’m still trying to figure out how this all works.

We have several shared DNA matches that have the Jones, Ryder, and Hawkins surnames – but I’m not sure which line we connect on.  Would you be interested in working together to find our connection?  

I’m looking forward to hearing back from you.

Nicole

– template for contacting DNA match as someone who was adopted

Some people might choose to leave out the “close genetic match” and just say “genetic match”. I recently had a cousin who was adopted at birth put “distant cousin DNA match” in the subject of their response to my initial contact.

Everyone is going to have a slightly different way that they feel comfortable going forward with communication. While we are all relatives, we are also often strangers to our DNA matches.

Hopefully, Julie responds to you with some more details about her family history.  If she knows her family tree, she might tell you that her father was a Jones, or that her grandmother was a Hawkins. 

If she doesn’t, she might tell you where she is in her research as far as learning about her roots.  If she does respond to you, you can tell her more about what you know, using your best judgement. 

You might end up helping each other in your family tree goals.

Our DNA matches don’t always respond, for various reasons. If your message doesn’t receive a response immediately, you can wait a few months = or longer- and try again.

Template for contacting a close DNA match if you know your family tree

If you find that you have a relatively close DNA match show up on your list, you might want to reach out to them.  You don’t have to, but most people find that they are curious to see who this new mystery person is. 

Your first message to your new relative is going to important in establishing your relationship and increasing the possibility that they respond. Hopefully, you are both interested in figuring out how you might be related.

I always caution people who are interested in taking a DNA test that DNA doesn’t lie, and you might discover something about your family that you didn’t previously know.  Sometimes, this discovery comes in the form of a relatively close DNA match. 

People occasionally discover siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and even parents or grandparents that they didn’t know about. It sounds unlikely, but it happens more often than you would expect.

I had something like this happen when I first tested, and as my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are human, it is not impossible for it to happen again.  (Spoiler alert: It happened several times since then!)

I know that I would contact a close match if I got one, even if it appeared to not fall into my known tree whatsoever. Actually, I will always contact my matches, especially if they don’t seem to match my family tree.

Below is a basic template for contacting a match under these circumstances.  The idea is to be friendly, but not overly enthusiastic, and let them know that you have family tree and don’t mind sharing your knowledge. 

Remember, this person is family, too!

Hi Mark,

Your name is on my DNA match list, and it says that we might be first cousins.  I think it might just be an estimated relationship, though.

We share a match on my dad’s side of the family, so I am thinking you are probably from that side.  I have Jones, Ryder, Hawkins, and Brown in my lines on those lines.  My dad was Joe Ryder, and my paternal grandparents were Sally Hawkins and Samuel Ryder.

I hope to hear back from you. 

Have a great day,

Greg

The goal is to provide a little bit of information, in good faith, to your DNA match.  It shows that you are a friendly and sharing person, and it increases the likelihood that they feel comfortable enough to write you back.

Template for contacting a DNA match that reveals your family tree might be wrong

Some of us might occasionally get a new close DNA match that can reveal that what we knew about our family tree was incorrect. For example, many people discover siblings or cousins on their DNA match that help them understand that their parent or grandparent was not a biological relative.

It can sometimes be difficult to figure out if your new close match has the incorrect biological relatives in their tree, or if there is surprise information missing from your own tree. The first step is to be sure about what your new DNA match really means.

The best thing to do in this case is to first decide whether you want to pursue where researching this new match might take you. We don’t have to learn everything that there is to know about our biological origins, and it is okay and normal to not want to explore this new biological family.

Below is a template that you could use in a situation like this one.

Hi Jim,

Your name recently appeared on my DNA match list as a close relative. I’m not exactly sure of our relationship, so I wanted to reach out to see if you were interested in sharing information and researching our connection a bit.

I noticed that you seem to be related to me on my dad’s side of the family. I am definitely interested in “following the DNA”, no matter where it takes me.

I hope to hear back from you. 

Have a great day,

Millie

Template for contacting a distant cousin DNA match for information

Most of the time, we are going to reach out to distant cousin DNA matches that might be able to provide a bit of information about our shared ancestry. It can be hard to figure out how we are related to distant cousins, so be sure to craft a message to them that shows that you have already done some research about your potential connection.

In addition, it is important to show that you are willing to share information. Some of our cousins will contact us and only want us to provide information to them, and it can be a bit frustrating to never receive anything in return from these distant relatives.

The following is a good template to reaching out to those distant cousin matches who can potentially become good research partners with whom you can share goals of learning about a specific shared ancestor.

Hi Samantha,

I recently noticed that we might share a common 4th great-grandfather, William C. Butler. I’ve been working on this line of my family tree for several years and am very interested in connecting with other relatives who are also descended from him.

My father is descended from his daughter, Sally, and based on the tree that you have connected to your Ancestry profile, I think that you might be descended from her sister, Alesia.

I would love to connect with you to see if you are interested in sharing research. I have a photograph of William (our common ancestor) that I inherited from my great-grandmother, and I would love to share it with you if you are interested.

I hope to hear back from you. 

Have a great day,

Sue

Conclusion

I hope that this post has helped give you some ideas about how to go about making that first contact with your DNA matches.  If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or would like to share your story about contacting your DNA matches, please feel free to leave me a message below.

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