If you check your DNA matches and you find someone unexpected, what should you do? Should you contact them? Should you hide? Should you tell your family members? In this post, I’ll give you some suggestions as to the first things that you should do if you get a surprise DNA match.
This post primarily discusses DNA matches that we would describe as “close”. Of course, the definition of who is a close relative might vary from person to person.
Found a surprise DNA match? Relax and take a deep breath
Okay, so you have a mystery DNA match and they look like they are closely related to you. Definitely don’t freak out, hide, delete your DNA results, or tell anyone in your family anything definitely.
I’m going to help you figure out – as best as possible – exactly who this person is to you. In order words, how are you really related to your surprise close DNA match?
Taking a deep breath and diving in to some research about your match is going to help you understand exactly where they might fit in your family tree and will help you plan your next steps.
Should you tell your family about the DNA match
For obvious reasons, the implications of a surprise DNA match will vary depending on exactly how your new relative fits into your family tree and on the nature of your family. I always recommend that we learn as much as we can before we make excited (or otherwise) calls to our family members.
I remember when my mom first got her DNA results back. One of her top matches was someone completely unknown to us! My mom shared enough DNA with her to be half-siblings, but it turned out that they weren’t half siblings. Instead, they were first cousins, and the cousin was searching for their biological father.
Can you imagine the confusion and distress that might have occurred if my mom had contacted the DNA match introducing herself as a sister? Or if my mom had assumed that her dad strayed during his marriage to my grandmother and told all of her siblings about it?
It’s always best to know as many facts as possible and move with a cool head before telling family members about a new match.
Ignore the relationship estimate provided by the DNA company
DNA testing companies typically provide us with an estimated or predicted relationship to each DNA match. This is only an estimate and should not be taken at face value without further investigation.
The DNA testing companies use the amount of DNA shared between two people in order to estimate how closely related they might be. Unfortunately, for most relationship distances there are several types of relationships that can have the same amount of shared DNA.
For example, two women who share 1400 centimorgans of DNA could be half-sisters. They could also be niece and aunt to each other. Or one woman could be the other woman’s grandmother.
As you can see, there is a definite close relationship! The question is which close relationship is the one that these two matches have?
When it comes to your own surprise close DNA match, the answer to this important dilemma is going to affect how you proceed as far as whether to discuss with other family members, whether you contact the match, and how you feel about the entire situation.
How much DNA do you share with your surprise match?
Now that you know that the estimated relationship provided by the DNA testing company might not represent your exact relationship, you might be wondering how you can remedy the situation. Is there something that you can do to figure out your true relationship to your match?
The answer is yes! Using the amount of shared DNA provided by your testing company, you can check out my post called “Beginner’s Guide to Shared DNA” to learn how you can determine the relationship possibilities between you and your match.
Write down all of the possibilities – you’ll be able to eliminate some of them using some of the strategies that I mention in this post: DNA match checklist.
Can you compare family trees with your match?
Does your match have a family tree posted on their profile? Do you? Do you see any surnames that are familiar? Do any geographic places of birth overlap with your known ancestors?
These are just some observations that we can make to help us get a general idea as to how our match is related.
Don’t forget to take notes – just in case information on your DNA match disappears
Just as you are surprised by the DNA match, the DNA match might also feel surprised by his or her results. Every once in a while, this might lead the DNA match to delete their family tree or even delete their DNA results.
This is why I always recommend that people write down the information that they learn about their potential relationship with the DNA match on a piece of paper. Some people recommend taking screenshots of things like family trees, just in case they are no longer available for whatever reason. I like to write things down, but that’s just me!
Should you contact your unexpected close DNA match?
Once you’ve learned as much as you can about who your DNA match is (and isn’t), you might be interested in contacting them. Most of the time our DNA matches are very willing to communicate.
Since your unexpected DNA match is relatively closely related to you, it is best to keep this in mind during communication in order to set the stage for potential developing a good relationship in the future. They are family, after all.
It’s up to you whether you would like to reach out to your match – you certain don’t have to. In fact, you could wait to see if they contact you first. If you decide that you might like to send them a message, you might be interested in these posts about contacting DNA matches:
I hope that this post helped you feel more empowered to move forward with understanding how your new close DNA match is related to you. If you have any questions about something that you read in this post or if you would like to share your own experience with a surprise DNA match, I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
Thanks for being here today!