How to improve chances of getting a response from DNA matches
I always get really excited when I see a new DNA match pop up – especially if they are relatively close, but it’s so frustrating when I don’t hear back. Has this ever happened to you? Over the years, I’ve learned the best ways to contact my matches and raise my probability of hearing back from them.
If your match hasn’t responded, and you haven’t given up hope that they someday might write you back, there are a few things that you can consider to improve the probability that they will write you back. In this post, I’ve listed six “best practices” that you can try to improve your chances that your messages are read and responded to.
If you’ve only contacted them once, there is no harm in waiting for a few weeks, or longer, and trying again. If you have already sent them several messages in a short period of time, however, I would wait for a few months before trying again.
Include good detail in your messages
Include details when you contact your matches. I had a situation where I had an unknown first cousin show up for one of my parents. I had messaged her twice in three years and received no response. When I first tested, I had no idea how she might be related, but as I learned more about how DNA is inherited and more shared matches were available to examine, I figured out exactly where she fell on my family tree. I decided to message her one last time, and this time, I included a few details about who I thought her grandparents were. I received a response in less than five minutes! It turns out that she had been searching for her biological father for years, and had never responded to anyone because she thought she would not be able to help them. It turns out I was able to help her and unite her with her father and his family – AMAZING.
Give them time to process their results
If you have a brand-new match show up, give them a few days to orient themselves with their results and process information before you contact them. If they feel overwhelmed, they are more likely to just ignore everything instead of responding to you.
Be polite, and try to help them as much as possible. Let them know what kind of information that you do have, and how you might be able to help each other. You would be surprised at how rude or demanding people can be in their notes, and you definitely don’t want to be one of “those people”. I know that I have gotten my fair share of rude e-mails or messages demanding that I figure out the relationship (with no help or information from them!). As the old saying goes, it’s true that “you catch more flies with honey”.
Seek alternate ways to contact them
Consider trying to contact them outside of e-mail or your testing company’s messaging system. Proceed with caution, however, since you don’t want to come across as “creepy”. If you have an e-mail address, you can perform a search for their e-mail, and see if it comes up anywhere else on Google. If you have a username, you can try to search Google for that username and see if they are on any other social platforms, genealogy groups, etc. It’s amazing what you can learn this way, and you just might be able to make contact. I want to emphasize again to only use this option if you feel confident that they just haven’t gotten your messages (i.e. you can see that they haven’t logged into their Ancestry account, etc)
Don’t let too much excitement and frustration show
It’s natural to feel excited when you see a new match, or frustration if you have already tried to contact someone and they haven’t responded. Since we don’t know them, we don’t know what they are going through, and we don’t even know if they’ve seen your message(s). It’s best practice to write polite non-emotional e-mails and messages. The idea is to show that you are eager, but not pushy. We can express our interest without coming across as too eager, since this can sometimes turn people off (and we want them to respond).
I hope that these ideas have helped you figure out the best way to contact your matches and get responses from them. Have you ever felt like your messages were being ignored, and if so, what did you do? Did you decide to look them up online? I would love to hear from you in the comments!
Thanks for stopping by!